Picture
it. The summer of 2050 at the cinema. The studios probably already are. They've
already got their sure thing tent poles already picked out and ready to grab
the masses, pulling in ridiculous profits. Their market research has led to more 'sure things' than ever before.
Marvel
Phase 14 is well under way with Avengers 14 out next summer. Star Wars Origins
have seen spin offs of every major character in the original Star Wars trilogy
from birth to puberty to retirement and episode 16 is due any day now.
Spiderman is on his sixth reboot, Fast and Furious 50 promises to be a landmark
in the franchise and vampire and zombie movies are still selling well.
J.J.
Abrams and his two offspring will of course be directing most of these with
Christopher Nolan producing from his death bed. Elderly stars like Tom Cruise
and their increasingly important stunt doubles are mo-capping for digitally
rendered versions of their younger, prettier selves and still making the
studios a mint.
The
summer schedules are filled with blockbusters and the trailers are now six
minutes long and feature excerpts from every major set piece expertly edited
together with juicy sound bites of increasingly ridiculous and repetitive
dialogue.
The
cinemas all have bouncers who patrol the aisles with night vision goggles,
looking for pirates at work. They watch you endlessly as you try to watch the
film, trying even harder not to notice them. There are now nearly 10 minutes of
messages warning you not to pirate movies or you will kill cinema.
The
average length of a film is now just shy of 3 hours and cinemas have gotten
wise, having an interval in most and sending staff in to sell you food and
drink, scratch cards, merchandise...you name it. The second half is usually
filled with kids waving light sabers excitedly in the air. Many people take the option of a three course meal for the duration of the film and wear bibs due to the difficulties of eating in the darkened cinema.
The
norm will be to tweet, text and Facebook your friends during a film (even if they are in the seat next to you). Thankfully
most phone batteries don't last as long as a film anymore, so by the second half
most have died and all those bright white lights have disappeared (to be replaced by kids with replica plastic lightsabers).
Franchises
rule, originality is dead, but at least audiences still love the movies.
More moaning at I Love That Film:
