Monday, 6 February 2012

Bruce's Big Year

I love Bruce Willis.  I'm not ashamed to admit that.  Forget that he offered a real life bounty to anyone who could provide information on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and his outspoken support for the Iraq war and focus on the fact that nobody does kick-ass, smart-ass action as well as the almighty bald one.

I've had a healthy crush on him ever since I first saw him stomping bare foot over broken glass, wise-cracking and killing terrorists with feet the same size as his sister in Die Hard.  But this year my Brucey fix is going to be like a syringe full of adrenalin straight to the heart with not one, not two but five movies coming to the screen in 2012.  And to add to that, while I get to feast on these, I know that Willis is working on a promising sounding video game adaptation and the next installment in the Die Hard franchise.

So here's the lowdown on Brucie's bonuses for 2012:

The Cold Light of Day: Bruce has been lying to his son (new Superman Henry Cavill).  Guess what; Big Daddy Willis doesn't just work for the government... no he's a motherf*cking CIA agent dumbass.  So shit hits the fan on holiday because Willis has been stealing briefcases and Cavill's gotta sort it out.  Not sure how much ass kicking Bruce will be doing but this still looks like big dumb fun... especially with Sigourney Weaver thrown into the mix.

Fire with Fire: I'm just going to go with IMDb here and tell you that the story goes something like this; 'A fireman takes an unexpected course of action when he's threatened by a man who he's been ordered to testify against'.  It's got Willis paired up with another young buck, this time Transformers' Josh Duhamel.  It's also got 50 Cent but don't let that put you off.  Seeing as Willis and Mr Cent already worked with each other on Setup, I can smell some kind of relationship in the air and I'm not going to deny that it makes me a tad jealous.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation: After sitting through the original G.I. Joe film and the trailer for this sequel, there is truly only one thing that makes me happy about the whole sad, sorry, sordid affair.  No not the casting of The Rock and not the wierd dubstep remix of The White Stripes but the moment when Brucey appears firing a machine gun, face all screwed up in his inimitable style and delivering the only interesting line in the whole trailer. 

The Expendables 2: This time Willis gets a gun.  For that matter so does Schwarzenegger.  And Stallone has roped in Chuck Norris and Van Damme for round 2.  Didn't think much of the first one but then again, Willis didn't get a gun in that one.  So here's hoping.  And I love that Stallone can't be bothered with the whole subtitling sequel thing.  So it's not The Expendables: Bigger, Badder, Balder or The Expendables: Out for Justice.  It's just old school The Expendables 2.  Yeah it's a sequel now piss off.

Looper: Made by the guy that gave us Brick, reteaming with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and featuring a plot that involves time travel and killing people from the future, this is one of the most exciting prospects of 2012.  Yes and Bruce Willis has a gun in his hands again which is always a promising sign.  And the word is he's playing JGL's future self who JGL has been ordered to kill.  Sounds vaguely silly but also brilliant fun and with potential to be smart and twisty.

If all that hasn't got you licking your lips and rubbing your hands with glee, then IMDb also has Willis down for video game adaptation Kane & Lynch and fifth in the franchise, A Good Day to Die Hard, both to be released in 2013.  So while I devour 2012's little treats from the king of kicking ass and cracking wise, I know that somewhere out there, Brucey has a gun in his hand waiting for the director to yell action.